Log in

11:12pm 14/03/2007
mood: annoyed
I'm starting to think it's more stressful to live here...
04:36am 30/12/2006
mood: itchy
Man, I'm really itchy after putting on some body spray that my dad and Marlene got me for Christmas...hope I'm not allergic to it. :/ I'm listening to my new Killers CD. That makes me happy!
05:36am 29/12/2006
mood: angry
I don't know why I even bother trying to talk to my mom. I tell her that I'm upset and depressed and she tells me that I'd feel better if I got off my duff and did something around here. *sigh*
So depressed   
03:42am 29/12/2006
mood: depressed
Wow, it takes something unbelievably depressing to get me to post. I guess I just had to get down what I'm feeling. Only a small handful of people know what's going on so this is probably going to be very vague but I guess this is more for me to vent than for people to read anyway.

I feel like some things he said were true. That I am this horrible person. I feel like maybe I put on this sweet, nice girl act but I'm really a bitch inside and nobody knows it but me. Stephanie told me not to believe anything he says/said to me but I still have my doubts. What if I really am a manipulative bitch? Does that mean I'm forced to hide it beneath a happy face until I finally can't force the facade anymore? Does that mean I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life? I really honestly think I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. Sure, guys will like me but then they will realize how neurotic I am or that I am a bitch or any number of things that are wrong with me. I'm just trying to take this one day at a time. I know I'm not going to feel better in a day, a week, not even a month but it's so hard. I'm trying to surround myself with people who love me and things that I love but I can't be around people 24/7. Stephanie has a life outside of me and I shouldn't expect her to tend to me whenever I have a wound. My mom usually offers no comfort. I can't talk to my dad about this. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. The past few days haven't been as bad as I thought but it's probably because I'm somewhat in denial about the whole thing. Also, Stephanie has been taking me out but I can't expect her to do that for the rest of my life. I have to grow up sometime. I think Saturday is going to be bad for me because she probably won't be in the area so I'll be home alone...probably lying in the dark, crying. Sunday is going to suck too. I have plans but I'm probably going to drink and get even more depressed and I wouldn't be surprised if I have some kind of breakdown at Laura's. I have a ton of stuff I have to do but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I have a million things to do around the house and I'm already on thin ice with my mom about it and me not doing anything will probably really make her fire me and then I really won't have anything because one of the simple joys of my life is the meager check I get at the beginning of each month. At least it's something. If I didn't have it, I'd have nothing and then I can go to being lonely, depressed, and even more broke than I already am. I've blown almost all of my Christmas money already because when I'm depressed I like to spend money because stupid, little me thinks that material possessions will make me happy. God, this is so lame...rambling like anyone gives a fuck about my problems. Nobody gives a shit because everyone goes through their own depressive moments so why should they spend time thinking about other people's? And I feel so bad because I've been quite the buzz kill the past few days. Stephanie probably wants to kill me. I'm even more on edge because I haven't been able to sleep. I've been averaging 4 hours a night. I'm exhausted right now but I can't sleep. I guess I just have to keep telling myself that this is the best for both of us. *sigh* It just seems like I can't catch a break with anything. Whenever things are going okay for me, something horrible comes to ruin everything. Well, I guess I'm going to wrap this up. I don't know what else to say.
04:47pm 22/04/2006
mood: geeky
I'm kinda dumb sometimes. I had just gotten out of the shower a little after 4 and what happens? You're right! The fire alarm went off. So, me being me and insecure and stuff thinks "I'd rather die than go out there in my bathrobe" so I threw on pants and a shirt. All in all, it took like 10 seconds so it wasn't so bad that I put on clothes. But I didn't really feel like standing in front of Cargo in my bathrobe...in front of everyone...and anyone who decided to drive by at that moment. I figured it was just a drill because Estes just had one. Oh yeah, and I was putting on my headband and my depth perception must be a little off because I ended up scratching my cheek. Luckily, it's not bleeding or anything but it hurts. :( I wonder what's for dinner...wow, I'm being very random.

Here's some stuff that only a couple people are going to get. :)

"Ask me what time it is."
"It said 5 o'clock."
"NO, NO. Ask me what time it is."
"What time is it, Filb?"
"It's 5 o'clock."

"Regret...gret. Who am I? Am I you? No, I am not you."

"It has to be your bull." LMAO!!!

"Perhaps she wanted to make the goalie nervous."
Isn't it sad that we take pre-existing jokes and turn them into our own?

Okay, I gotta get to dinner.
04:47pm 21/04/2006
mood: happy
So, I am way happy because Sarah and Kristen made t-shirts as souvenirs for our New York trip. They are hilarious. I can't even really describe them but they're funny. And the little people on it, look just like us. The look on my face is priceless. lol I'm wearing mine and it makes me happy. Okay, time to go to dinner. :)
03:25pm 21/04/2006
mood: headachy
Many thanks to Dan for helping me put that awesome picture of the Phoenix on my info page. :)
     Read 2 - Post
07:05pm 09/04/2006
mood: contemplative
<td align="center">You are 62% kinky

You are kinky. You are always up for trying something new in the bedroom... or wherever else you chose to.

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center">Melissa's sexual nickname:

"Playboy Bunny"

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>

<td align="center"> Melissa --

Smelling like unscented lube all of the time

'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com</td>
06:53pm 05/04/2006
  LOL!! I found pictures from the show. Wow, it's kinda sad when I get excited over something so simple.  
06:39pm 05/04/2006
mood: giddy
I found it! I fucking found it! *laughs manically* Yesterday, I was eating dinner with Rick and we started talking about how ABC used to have good shows and TGIF, which sparked a tv show memory. I was like do you remember this show where this teenage guy dies and then he's his best friend's guardian angel? Rick's like yeah! But I didn't believe him until he brought up the fact, that I completely forgot, that this kid ate something old under his bed that killed him. lol!! So, I had an inkling that this tv show was called Teen Angel or something like that and guess what? That's what it was called and I found it on Wikipedia. This entry probably makes no sense but I am so giddy right now. Hahahahahahaha!!! I can't believe I found it. Okay, calm down and breathe...

05:08am 05/04/2006
  I kinda want to rearrange my room but there's no point because I'm going to be gone in 4 weeks.  
04:33am 05/04/2006
  I fucking can't sleep again. I'm tired but I can't sleep. I'm scared of sleeping through my alarm again so I'm tempted to just try to stay up and then nap tomorrow after choir. I have four and a half hours before I have to be up for class. I'm worried if I push myself to stay up, I'm going to crash like an hour before I have to be up but that's probably when I would fall asleep anyway. Hmmmm, how can I entertain myself for the next four hours?  
06:21pm 01/04/2006
mood: exhausted
Wow, the boys around here are really dumb. I was walking home from dinner and these two guys were behind me, talking really loud and being obnoxious. Here's what most of their conversation consisted of...
Guy 1: What do you want to do tonight when we get back?
Guy 2: I don't know. Drink some beer and pound some bitches.
Guy 1: Well, there really aren't any bitches around here.
Guy 2: I didn't mean bitches in a derogatory manner.
Guy 1: I know. You just meant girls. *spits*
Guy 2: Oh my God. You just spit on the sidewalk where everyone walks.
Guy 1: So?
Guy 2: Well, you should spit in the grass so no one sees it. Like this. *spits in the grass*
Guy 1: Why are you walking so fast?
Guy 2: I'm cold.
Guy 1: Well, you can have my jacket.
Guy 2: I don't need it.
Guy 1: Why are you walking so close to me? You're gonna push me off the sidewalk.
By this time, they had caught up to me. They started chasing squirrels in front of Peele. I was almost to Cargo when they came out of Peele and proceeded to shout "Flavor Flav!" and "Yeah, boy!" Hmmm, and I wonder why I don't date guys here...
     Read 4 - Post
02:19am 01/04/2006
mood: cranky
Ugh...I can't sleep and I have to be up at 7 to sing. I hate my life...
10:47pm 14/03/2006
mood: drained
New York = Amazing!

I had such a good time. I don't remember everything I wanted to talk about. Hopefully, I'll have some time to update tomorrow. Right now, I'm just too tired to update this. I still have homework to do but I'm EXHAUSTED. So worth it though. Incredible. :)
01:01am 06/03/2006
  Don't read this if you don't want to smack me and/or be depressed.

I don't know why but I've been really down lately. Like worse than usual. The problem is I can't pinpoint what's wrong. I just can't stand being me anymore. Before it was mostly physical but now, it's my personality too. I feel really dumb, stupid, and just disgusting. I've been crying for no reason. It's really starting to take its toll on me. I don't know how to correct it. I guess I'll just have to be depressed. :(
     Read 2 - Post
10:51pm 16/02/2006
mood: drained
Okay, I have to say that I am kinda creeped out that it is thunderstorming in the middle of February. I saw lightning and was kinda shocked and thought maybe my eyes were deceiving me but then I heard the thunder. This is kinda weird. At least it's not snow. However, it is supposed to snow this weekend. Not looking forward to that at all. My eyes are tired and are rebelling against me. They don't want to read anymore and my brain doesn't want to write anymore. I have about half of my critique to still write but then I have Circle K stuff to do. I kinda wanted to take a shower but if it's storming outside, I probably shouldn't do that. Okay, back to my work.
10:20pm 15/02/2006
mood: stressed
Everytime I get off the phone with my mom I feel like punching something. She was supposed to cash my check from when I worked in January and then send it to me so I could eat breakfast before 30 hour famine but she said she can't get to the bank until Friday. Well, that does me good, now doesn't it? Now, I'm going to have to beg someone to lend me money so I can eat Saturday. I don't know who would have the money anyway. Fucking money. I hate money...I fucking hate it. Like I need even more stress right now.
01:20pm 15/02/2006
mood: happy
Today's been pretty good. I got my midterm back in Theatre History. I am way proud of myself...I got a 103%. Chrissy called me an overachiever. lol I'm not a good test taker. I had to study a lot for that grade. I don't know what I'm going to do about my midterm in Third World Politics next week...

So, today at lunch Rick said something about going to look at Mr. Liberty and I said to Rick that it sounded like a porn and then I proceeded to say "Truth, Justice, and the American Wang." He didn't laugh. Maybe it's just me but I thought this was funny and pretty clever, especially for me. lol So, I thought I'd post it so maybe someone out there can get a laugh. Talk about "a swing and a miss". ;) lol

I'm sleepy...I think I might take a nap. Dinner sounds kinda gross so maybe Anna would want to eat in Ridge with me. Okay, nap time!

"You can't eat carpet, silly daddy."
"It's football but it's cute that you said that cause you're a freaking idiot."
"Super Bowl's in Detroit this year." "Oh boy, Detroit." "Yup, home of RoboCop."
"Sex with animals? There's no time, man!"
"This is all too busy!"
I love Aqua Teen. :)
     Read 3 - Post
03:28pm 11/02/2006
mood: happy
The Kiwanis auction was crazy. :) It was a lot of fun though. We got to answer the phone for people placing bids on the items. It was like as soon as you hung up, the phone rang again. I was so nervous at first but once it started going, I didn't have time to be nervous. Now I know how those telethon people feel. It was probably the fastest 2 hours of my life though. Yay Kiwanis and Circle K!